influence

I experience myself as a being with certain capacities, such as social skills, the ability to concentrate for amounts of time, mathematical skills, musical talents. All these capacities are both limited and to a certain degree untrained where they could be trained. Even if they are developed to a high degree, there's always room for improvement. So I'm absolutely not perfect and this realisation is actually part of being human. Nevertheless, to my opinion this observation shouldn't lead to some form of apathy, but to an deeper understanding and experience of the will to live; Which is the primary motivating force behind all your doings.

Sometimes I catch myself doing something totally useless, when I can't get myself doing complex tasks (like studying). For a moment it doesn't seem right to stop altogether doing the task, on the other hand, continuing means suffering. So I seem to get lost in checking e-mails, watering the plants, playing a simple tune on my keyboard, etcetera. From an objective standpoint it seems much better to stop altogether and do something nice. This would mean much more relief than this kind of weird cognitive lingering between useless activities and the work that needs to be done. Also this kind of mental borderline-state seems to have a negative effect on my sense of individuality. The useless activities are not chosen, and the tasks I don't want to do are experienced as obligations.

If I stopped completely with the task and do something else (which I tend to do more often), I would have made a conscious choice which would stir my sense of individuality. Another possibility: If I continued doing the difficult task, that would mean some more suffering, but it would also mean taking it into my realm of influence. I would probably be able to solve the problem, which would mean one less, which means more freedom to do nice things (and the accompanying self-awareness).

Both choices would mean a greater alertness and increased sense of self. Only the 'non-choice', to do something useless, means a degradation of individuality. It's much like watching television; Which is not really relaxing and tends to rob people of their own minds.

So here is my advice: don't sit back and do nothing, if something for a moment doesn't work out and you feel stressed about it. Think! There are always some other useful things you can do. List them and try to do something which is a bit easier. Something you can do. Every solved problem means some more mental space. Focus fully on one problem at a time (all problems at the time isn't possible, but we can do one at a time). Try to get things into your realm of influence; Be fully responsible for all the things you do. Please don't live in a world where bad things just 'seem to happen'.

If you are tired, depressed, the tasks unbearably difficult and your energy levels at zero, take a moment and decide consciously to stop altogether. We have a word for such situations, it's called relaxing. It's not bad, it's necessary. Like I told you in the beginning, humans are not perfect. We need to develop ourselves in many ways. And one of those ways is knowing very precisely when you need to take a break.

nuer

The Nuer, a confederation of tribes in Ethiopia, have a pretty interesting tradition. When a child is born deformed, they do not regard it as human. Instead they think it must be a hippopotamus! So they lay it carefully in a river. After all, that's where hippo's belong.

desire

Everybody has certain desires, but it's another thing to be able to know and acknowledge them completely. Of course it's very important not to sit back and wait until all will happen automatically. On the other hand, pursuing desires can be very frustrating if you are mentally not orientated towards the fullfilment of desires. Even if you happen to succeed, you might end up being unstatisfied, because you expect life to give you something more. It won't. Reality has very explicit 'borders'. Situations which can't be more perfect than they are. Recognizing and appreciating these ends depends on the attitude you take towards life in general.

Having desires means there probably is someone having them. The basic problem is the stance towards this 'me'. It's not strange to think you know the 'me' very deeply. That's the basic function of it; to give you an identity. The point is, this self of yours has certain desires. This fact gives it a very specific character. The self has a way of being of it's own, which won't change because of your ideas and opinions about it. You are not some angelic kind of being who only lives on divine grace. You are a being who craves to have and be influenced by very specific things; like food, safety, sex and recognition. The fundamental essence of this being is egoism, or more positively, self-centeredness. From this, all desires spring forth.

Luckily we humans can be caring too, because unbridled egoism would make a very cold world. The interesting thing is, the caring for others seems to be rooted in a recognition of mutual egoism. We want others to be fulfilled, because we recognize they have the same basic constitution. Humans also have a sense of justice. If I want someone to love me, it's only fair to return love too. Of course, in practice no one thinks rationally about such things. The feeling of love automatically makes us want to care for the other. It can't be denied however that humans desire such relationships. That there is a basic self-interest which motivates people to do these things.

Egoism is often understood as a having things for oneself, at the expense of someone else. Of course this may happen sometimes, but it's stupid to take such an idea as the underlying motive of all actions. It's perfectly possible to desire things without wanting others to be deprived of them. Altruism, a devotion to the interests of others, has a certain beauty about it, but it's very strange also. It's weird to deny your own interests and acknowledge those of others. If you think living a life of radical sobriety is a good thing to do, it's more logical to want others to live sober also. So there's even a more 'pure' form of altruism thinkable. It's denying your own interests and denying those of others too. Which would, ironically, lead to a very egoistic world, were no one cares for each other.